Greeks Bearing Gifts
by Cacasenno
Summary: Harry's libido is accidentally charmed into overdrive. No one is safe! Oneshot. [HPGW] [HPHG] [HPDM] [HPOther]


**Greeks Bearing Gifts

* * *

**

Harry pulled away from Ginny for a moment. They had been kissing on a desk in a deserted classroom for 10 minutes and they had begun tearing each other's clothing off. He pulled a condom out of his wallet and ripped it open, stuffing the garbage back in his pocket. Harry put it on, smiled then started again.

An hour later, Harry and Ginny walked out of the old classroom and into the deserted hallway. Ginny's cheeks were red and Harry was smiling widely and feeling pretty damn good about then.

'Same time tomorrow?' Ginny asked, pulling his waist in towards him.

'Yeah, but how about somewhere more exciting...Quidditch stands?'

'Ok…can't wait…' she kissed him lightly on the lips, straightened her hair and then ran off in the other direction.

Harry kept smiled while he walked down the other hall. His smile stayed on his face all the way till he made it to the Gryffindor tower.

'Solstice.'

It was a Saturday afternoon and everyone in the common room was just sitting around doing homework and playing games. Harry sat down near one of the windows with Seamus, Dean and Ron.

'Hey Harry, you know your shirt's on inside out?' Dean said.

'I know that look!' Seamus said slyly.

'Yeah,' Ron said, 'who're you getting it from?'

'My girlfriend,' Harry added, waiting for it to sink in.

Dean and Seamus suddenly got awkward and looked at Ron. He was still smiling like a punching dummy.

'Yea-ah! Wish I could tap that,' Ron said.

Dean and Seamus looked at each other then at Harry and then back at Ron.

'I didn't know you had that kind of…relationship,' Dean said.

'Yeah…I didn't really want to know,' Seamus said.

'Hang on guys, it'll kick in, in a moment,' Harry assured.

Suddenly Ron's face lost all color and he began mumbling.

'Harry shagged his girlfriend. Ginny is his girlfriend. Me and Ginny are family…Harry shagged…me?' Ron said, looking up at Harry.

'He shagged your sister!' Dean yelled at him, frustrated.

'Oh…' Ron said, 'Oh…OH…**OH!** **NO!**'

'Why do I even bother?' Harry asked Seamus as Dean stormed away.

The condom packaging fell out of Harry's pocket and onto Seamus's shoe. He picked it up.

'Hey Harry, you won.'

'Won what?' Harry asked, turning from Ron.

'I dunno, here's what it says,' Seamus handed the wrapper to Harry.

Harry read aloud:

_Congratulations, you have won the **Greco Condom **contest. _

_We here at Greco are always developing new ways for you and your partner to enjoy intimacy safely. Our newest promotion is the much coveted "**Enhanced Virility Charm"** over the last months we have made a charmed condom that will, with in minutes, significantly increase the sexual drive of the wearer. Even wizards with a strong libido will see a significant difference. Although the condom is in general not available to the public, you have a free trial of it in the package right now. By reading the following charm and holding this paper, you are agreeing you realize this charm is still in testing and **Greco Condoms** bears no fault for any misfortunes that may befall you:_

_**Greco Charms Co. Virilitus Instantanius 1-9-2-5-3-4**_

Harry finished reading.

Ron and Seamus were laughing. This type of thing was aimed at older wizards. They had heard of the Enhanced Virility Charm before because it was a rage among old wizards and they were flocking to the stores to try and get the charm. Now Harry had it. Harry, who never needed anything of the sort, had become one of the lucky few to win it.

'Are you going to use it?' Ron asked.

'Nah,' Harry said. He folded up the scrap of paper and tossed it behind him, it landed under a couch.

'Wait, maybe I can sell that or something,' Ron dove under and retrieved the piece of paper.

'Go ahead,' Harry said while Ron lay down flat on his stomach reaching.

Ron stood up and brushed himself off. Seamus had left to do homework. Ron tucked the charm paper inside his pants.

'Let's go see what Hermione's up to,' he suggested.

They made their way down to the common room, not finding her there, they went for the library. There was a study group composed completely of Ravenclaws near the front and Mme Prince was scolding a Hufflepuff with ice cream. Near the back of the library, where it was perpetually silent, Hermione was sitting alone with a stack of books.

Harry and Ron sat down across from her. She looked up from her book in a very McGonagall-ish fashion.

'I was wondering if either of you was going to get any studying done today.'

'Studying? Why would we want to waste a perfectly nice Friday night by doing that?' Ron asked her. Harry could tell it was mainly just to make her angry. It would take them years to get together at that rate.

He smiled anyway…but something strange happened. The smile seemed to radiate from his face and managed to cover the rest of his body, it was a good, warm feeling. Harry smiled even more widely as neither Hermione nor Ron noticed. They kept bickering but Harry couldn't concentrate on that.

'Harry, come on, she doesn't want us disturbing her precious study time,' Ron tugged at his shoulder.

Harry found himself hunched over staring at the desk. He looked up. He saw Hermione. He didn't want to leave with Ron.

'I'll catch up with you later, Ron,' Harry said, 'I actually do want to get some studying done today.'

'Harry. Good for you!' Hermione said looking please.

Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry but was unnoticed as he left. Hermione looked back down to her work, Harry stared at her intently, smiling widely.

'Today I thought it'd be a good idea to get the Potions work out of the way. Snape sai- Harry…why are you looking at me like that?'

'No reason, Brown Eyes,' Harry said cunningly.

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, then chuckled.

'Very funny, Harry, but we've got work to do. He told us to study up on Inhalant Potions, he hinted we'd be tested on tools so I found a Wai Pipe,' she pulled a smart looking pipe out of her bag, 'of all the useless things wizards have invented…smoking it makes you hopelessly addicted to smoking it.'

'Yes, interesting,' Harry said mindlessly, he hadn't listened to a word she'd said. Harry picked up the pipe and began puffing on it without realizing what he was doing, 'Hermione- Hermy, have I mentioned you look absolutely ravishing?'

'Harry! What are you doing? That thing's dangerous! Ravish- what?'

Harry got up and moved to the chair next to her, and then he slid himself on the chair closer to Hermione's side until they weren't an inch apart. She was staring at him with a mix of curiosity, annoyance and humour.

Harry took off his glasses and laid them on the table.

'You –_puff-_ are absolutely, gorgeous,' Harry blew smoking in the shape of a heart out in front of them, 'That was for you.'

'…Harry?'

'I think our relationship is really –_puff-_ special.'

Harry put his hand on Hermione's bare knee. He rubbed her thigh. Hermione stood up in shock. Harry got up, standing right against her, his hand reaching around to settle on the back of her upper thigh.

He kissed her hard, not bothering to remove the pipe, pressing her against the table and forcing her to bend over backwards.

Hermione's eyes shot wide open. She pushed hard against his chest, Harry stumbled backwards, Hermione slapped him hard across the face.

'Can't say I'm used to it, but sure Hermione, if it gets you in the mood you can slap me around a little,' Harry said in oblivious disbelief, '-_puff-_'

'Harry! Is this a joke? You're with Ginny! We can't do this!'

'We _can't_ or we _shan't_?'

'Neither!'

'We _couldn't_ or we _shouldn't_?'

'Both!'

'We _ain't_ or we _aren't_?'

'…Harry,' she said very slowly, as though speaking to a two-year-old, 'why don't you follow me?'

'Right, I'll come right after you, I promise, I always remember the –_puff-_ ladies.'

Hermione grabbed his sleeve and led him out of the library and through the school. She was trying to be as low key as possible but it was difficult with the saviour of the world puffing like a chimney on marijuana and drooling over her like some kind of incredibly well hydrated and equally horny lounge lizard.

'The hospital wing? Hermione you dirty –_puff_- birdie.'

'Mme Pomfrey?' Hermione said, the mediwitch drew the curtains on another patient and came to meet them.

'Really,' Harry said, 'I'm not sure she'd be into it,' he eyed Mme Pomfrey. She was looking especially good that day, shapely and divine under her robes.

'Mister Potter, we might as well build another wing just for you, you're a full time job.'

Harry perked up, he hadn't been listening, 'A job? Sure, better then the ice cubes Hermione seems to be spitting out like some kind of incredibly well hydrated but equally fridged ice cube maker.'

But Mme Pomfrey wasn't listening to him.

'He's acting really strangely, like he can't control himself, I think it's a jinx or prank,' Hermione told Mme Pomfrey.

'How's he acting?' she asked, pulling out her clipboard.

'He's- he keeps coming onto me.'

'In a sexual nature?'

'Yes,' Hermione seemed to be embarrassed enough for both her and Harry. Harry didn't seem to notice or care.

'-_puff-_'

'I'll see if I can get to the bottom of this,' Mme Pomfrey said. 'Mister Potter you'll need to put out that pipe while you're in here.'

'I don't think he can. It's a Wai Pipe,' Hermione said.

'Oh, for the love of Gringotts. Filthy, filthy habit, I'm surprised by you. You're shortening your life and risking our health.'

'Mme Pomfrey- Poppy, are you wearing space pants?'

'You're right Miss Granger, I think it's a charm though.'

'Because your butt is out of this-,' Hermione clapped her hand over Harry's mouth before he could finish the pickup line.

'I'll see what I can do for him,' Mme Pomfrey said, thankfully not hearing what Harry had said.

Hermione left rather quickly.

'Why don't you have a seat over there, just make yourself comfortable,' Mme Pomfrey said, 'I'll get a curse detector.'

Harry walked over to the empty bed she had pointed at. Harry knew by 'comfortable' Mme Pomfrey really meant 'naked.' So he proceeded to take off his robes (difficult because he refused to remove the Wai Pipe). Harry was only wearing black boxers with snitches flying around the waist band and his slightly-too-large boots when Mme Pomfrey returned.

'You really didn't need to undress,' Mme Pomfrey said.

Harry dove onto the bed, lying on his stomach, he propped his chin up with his arms. Harry kicked his boots saucily.

'Madam Pomfrey, I must say, you've got the most beautiful figure, -_puff,-_' Harry blew a smoky heart, 'and I truly believe older woman are much more –_puff-_ sensual then little girls,' he blew a smoky arrow, which struck the heart.

'You do, do you?' Mme Pomfrey said while putting on small glasses and poking at Harry with her wand while muttering various jinx detecting spells.

'Oh yes, you're so _womanly_ and curvy,' Harry said while she poked his bicep. It was a very Freudian moment when Harry wondered if the shape of her hips was the result of childbirth, which made her all the more desirable.

'Lie back, Mister Potter,' Mme Pomfrey instructed, pulling out what looked like a large make-up brush.

'If you insist, Nurse,' Harry said, '-_puff._-'

'This is a Harolds Curse Detector,' she explained as she brushed him with it, 'it will tell me of small curses, jinxes and enchantments and where.

Harry giggled girlishly; it tickled, as she moved it up his legs. She paused and sighed before dusting it over his groin-area.

'Oh Nurse!' Harry moaned, 'if you insist!' he reached up and grabbed Mme Pomfrey's shoulder and pulled her down on top of him. Mme Pomfrey dropped the curse detector and her arms flailed wildly as she stumbled on him. Harry whipped his tongue around her mouth…and chin…and lips…and accidentally poked it in her left nostril.

'Harry Potter!' she yelled, pulling away and falling off the bed, 'stop!' she wiped Harry's saliva from around her mouth, which was dripping like a well hydrated but equally mortified rain gutter.

'Oh, I know!' Harry squealed, 'this is so wrong! So naughty! I'm just a helpless patient and you're a trusted medical mentor!'

'Stay here!' she yelled and briskly left.

'_-Puff-_'

Mme Pomfrey returned a second later with rusty shackles. They matched the ones Harry recognized from Filch's dungeon.

…_hmm, _Harry thought …_Filch's dungeon, eh? That would be fun…_

But Mme Pomfrey was using these ones now. She secured them around the bed frame and locked Harry's hands into one set. She locked the other set around the bottom of the bed and put Harry's ankles into them.

'Kinky, I think Hermione would be into this too,' Harry said, 'she was slapping me around before. You should go get her.'

'This is just a precaution, Mister Potter,' said a rattled Mme Pomfrey, 'I'm going to go get some strong sedatives and antidotes, I will be right back,' she drew the curtains around Harry's bed, straightened her robes and messed up hair and left the hospital wing.

Harry hummed to himself. He withered slightly in anticipation, pretending he was tethered helplessly in Poppy Pomfrey's private chambers while she decided how to discipline him.

From his bed behind the curtains, Harry heard someone enter the hospital wing.

'Is anyone here?' Harry heard him call. It sounded like Draco Malfoy's drawl.

'I am!' Harry replied.

'…Potter?' Draco replied.

'Call me Harry!' Harry yelled as he saw Draco's shadow approach him from the other side of the curtains, 'actually, call me Potter.'

'What ar-' Draco pulled back the curtains. Harry was laying spread in his boxers and boots, forced down with rusty shackles, a pipe in his mouth and a wild smile on his face, 'what in Merlin's name is going on? Potter…I-' Draco collected his surprise and began to laugh a little, 'this is a new one.'

'Malfoy!' Harry spat with pretend malice, 'I demand you come over here and let me go! Whatever you do, don't come over here and try and have your way with me!'

'Don't worry,' Draco said.

'I've got a secret,' Harry flirted.

'What is it?'

'Come here, I'll tell you.'

Draco paused, then walked over to Harry's bedside, 'What, then?'

'Closer…' Harry purred.

Draco bent down, his ear near Harry's mouth.

'Ginny would never know…' Harry whispered.

'Wha-'

Harry jerked Draco onto him by his robes (unable to really pull him because of the restraints.) Harry kissed him.

Draco pulled away a little.

'I doubt you could handle me, Potter,' Draco said, becoming the least shocked and terrified of Harry's victims so far.

'Bring it on, Malfoy,' Harry teased.

'Fine,' Malfoy slammed Harry's shoulder down into the mattress.

Harry felt Malfoy's surprisingly soft hair. He had always assumed it would be dry and wiry, but it was silky and smooth like well hydrated but equally pale silk.

It was ten minutes later when Mme Pomfrey reappeared, with Ginny at her heals.

'Both of you!' she yelled.

Malfoy jumped off Harry's bed and slipped out behind her before anyone could say anything else. Ginny clapped her hand to her mouth.

'Mister Potter, I've spoken to Ron Weasley and I think I know what happened. I've contacted the Greco Condom Company and they've instructed me as to how to get the charm out of your system,' Mme Pomfrey said, her eyes fixed no where near Harry. Ginny was blushing, 'this is completely unorthodox and completely forbidden but… well… we can't have you running around the school like this.'

'Are you going to administer, _-puff-_, this cure yourself?' Harry asked, feeling absolutely no reason to be cured of anything.

'Well, no,' she blushed, 'that's why Ginny's here. It seems, you have to _get it out of your system…_'

'…An enema?' Harry asked.

'I'll leave you to it,' Mme Pomfrey said to Ginny. She drew the curtains behind her, leaving Harry and Ginny alone.

'Malfoy? Really? I didn't know a charm could be that strong,' Ginny said.

'Ginny, _-puff-_ have I ever told you that you look absolutely gorgeous?'

'Yes Harry, you have,' Ginny smiled, she crawled onto his bed, 'I think you're absolutely gorgeous too.'

She kissed him, he kissed her. It was a well hydrated but equally passionate kiss. Mme Pomfrey ended up casting a silence shield around the curtained bed, but neither Harry nor Ginny cared or noticed.

Even the Wai Pipe soon lied forgotten on Harry's bedside table. After a zealous evening, which would have knocked out any house elves in a 20 pace area, both Harry and Ginny practically glowed.

Harry, unfortunately, remembered everything that happened and never managed to look Mme Pomfrey in the eyes again. He was otherwise forgiven by both Hermione and Ginny, promising never to use protection again. Harry also wrote a strongly worded letter to the Greco Condom Company.

Ginny was thankful Harry's adventure only lasted a few hours, there were a lot of people at Hogwarts who hadn't seen it. However, if she had known he still occasionally met with Draco Malfoy in Filch's empty office, she might have wished it was even shorter.

In the end, Harry really only learnt three things.

1) Charms are dangerous.

2) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and the libido)

3) No virility charm will ever be needed for a well hydrated young man like Harry, while he had sexy bitches like Ginny and Malfoy around.


End file.
